A critic is a man who knows the way but can’t drive the car

Why do certain people feel the need to announce to me that there is one fax cover sheet left in the box when I can clearly see that for myself?   Why do certain people point out that there is a package next to my desk when I'm the only one here who would have signed for it upon delivery?  Why do certain people point out there is a spill on the counter to me instead of wiping it up for themself?  Why do certain people just stand and stare instead of offering some form of assistance when an entire coffee pot explodes all over the entire breakroom and the front of my pants?  Why do certain people ask me a mail related question everytime they put something in the outgoing mail box as if to make sure I acknowledge it and will in fact mail it out for them?  Why do certain people automatically think someone stole their laptop power cord because they can't find it?   Why do certain people think sitting in the office on their computer all day makes them appear to be hard at work? 

It is often easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

It's been a while since I"ve blogged, but don't worry, it's not for lack of material.  Rather it's been more like lack of uninterrupted time, and increased attention of what is on my computer screen by others.  Quite a few things have changed within the office since my last post.  It's been interesting watching what a vast difference that a very small amount of people can make in an office dynamic.  I wouldn't necessarily say it's less dramatic in here, I would just say it's spread a bit more evenly throughout instead of concentrated on a few select individuals.  Eliminating 2 focal points in the daily war on sales has helped others look elsewhere for things to be disgruntled about.  For instance, questioning for the 8th time this week a selling program that hasn't changed in months has been a good start. I think it is safe to say we could have the same meeting topic for 5 months and people would still ask new questions.  Not because they don't understand, but because they are hoping the answer may have changed from one week to the next.  This way, their error, whether unintentional or not,  may now actually have become the new procedure.  If this isn't a great selling tactic, I don't know what is.  Hmm, maybe these sales people are smarter than what they appear to be....

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Is it wrong that I find it amusing watching sales people get yelled at by their customers?  Is it wrong that I find it even more amusing watching them get into an argument with their own manager?  Is it wrong that even though I have a full supply of folders I only make available to others 3 at a time?  Is it wrong that I can't wait for the office to empty out everyday so I can work in the peace & quiet?  Is it wrong that even though it is not yet noon and I just finished painting my nails, I've already completed more work in these 4 hours than most do all day?   Is it wrong that I sometimes wear my headset and pretend I'm on the phone just to avoid talking to certain people?  Is it wrong that I make half as much as money yet do twice as much work as certain people?   Is it wrong that I have to ask people the same question 3 times before I get an answer?  Is it wrong that sometimes a week consists of nothing more but a countdown to Friday?

The trouble with being punctual is that there is no one there to appreciate it

More often than not I'm jealous of the sales people in my office that are pleasant at least 75% of the time.  I now see this is directly correlated with the fact that they only remember, retain, or accomplish about 25% of their job each day.  Coincidence? I think not.  It shouldn't really be a shock that the less actual work we do each day the happier we are.  It's not that these sales people are only selling 25% of what they should, it's that they only work at about 25%  of their potential. Making a sale is actually only one part of their job description.  Surprisingly, they are also suppose to correctly complete all the associated paperwork and artwork that goes along with each sale, and continue to look for more leads, among other things.  But it is much easier to play dumb, pretend to be busy, flat out disappear, or get their manager to do it for them.  This way, they still have plenty of time left over to get in a round of golf, or hit the big Macy's Holiday Weekend sale in the afternoon.  In the world of sales, freedom can be both a positive and a negative.  Maybe if I start picking and choosing which 25% of my job description I wanted to do each day and pawn the rest of on someone else I too would be in a much better mood everyday.  TGIF.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt

Why do people think if they talk louder others will understand them better?  Why do people think anything good that has happened was their idea?  Why do those same people think anything bad that has happened was someone elses' fault?  Why do people think if they keep hitting the same button on the copier it will do something different?  Why do people think using a marker board to write down the same words they are speaking will make people pay attention to them?  Why do people think they are the exception to any rule they don't like?  Why do people think if you do the exact same thing but give it a new name it has become something different?  Why do people think if they print something they are reading on the computer it will make more sense to them?  Why do people think their way is the best way? 

Live ammunition

Whoever decided that work weeks are 5 days and weekends are only 2 has serious issues. I should have figured out how great the day would be based off the drive in this morning.  Upon arriving to work I considered going to the CHP website to see if there was some new law that was passed over the weekend regarding the left/passing lane that I was not aware of.  I don't believe any car around me knew the purpose of the left hand lane because they all proceeded to drive exactly 65mph, never passing or moving from a lane once down the 32 mile stretch of freeway I drive everyday.  Thank god I am such an awesome singer (in my car) and could keep my self amused instead of coming down with a serious case of road rage.  However, once I arrived at work my day greatly improved.  I only had to make 2 pots of coffee before being able to get myself a mug.  Then the meeting lasted an extra 15 minutes so I was able to both balance my checkbook & answer emails from the weekend.  Big success there.  That then left me plenty of time to witness yet another meltdown/HR issue.  You know it's Monday in a sales office when there is medicine containers with objects other than medicine in them being carried around like it's show & tell and the person carrying it doesn't find it the least bit abnormal.   I think it's safe to say my day has nowhere to go but up right?  Wait, there's still an hour left so I think it's too soon to tell....

When in charge ponder, when in doubt mumble, when in trouble delegate.

You would think something as simple as having a fun office BBQ would be easy to plan right?  Not if it's salespeople attempting to plan it.  For the last 3 days I have heard the phrase "When is the BBQ?" more times than I can count.  Sadly enough, we have yet to find the answer.  Set a date, set a place, set a time. Is it really that complicated?  Apparently so.  No matter who you ask, that person is waiting for someone else to decide.  So then what happens?  Everyone asks me.  As you can obviously tell, I am not in charge of this said BBQ, which is why no one has a clue of what is going on regarding it.  I suppose I could assist and confer with the said party planners, but is slightly more amusing watching everyone run around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to plan the event.  I would however vastly prefer to spend Friday afternoon enjoying some delicious tri-tip rather than working so I suppose I'll put my OK magazine to the side and help out...

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do

I don't pretend to know everything, so why does everyone assume I do?  I think what appears to be lack of intelligence for the vast majority of sales people is actually lack of an attention span.  Every Monday we have a meeting and various announcements are made regarding the events for that week.  I make every effort to pay as little attention to these meetings as possible and usually spend them balancing my checkbook or reading my weekly OK magazine.  One glance in my direction during any meeting and you can clearly see I am not paying attention, which in my defense, I'm not required to anyway so why not use this valuable un-interrupted time for my own personal enjoyment?  So why is it that it never fails that I will have at least 3 people come to my desk and ask me a question that was answered by an announcement less than 29 minutes ago?  It used to be they were doing the same thing I was during a meeting, which to me allowed them to ask dumb questions afterwards, but now they have to physically move their chairs forward away from their desks and stare at the person speaking.  So the question of the day is do they seriously not understand and comprehend what is being said or do they really just have the attention span of a gnat?

And the Academy Award for Best Performance goes to......

Wouldn't it be great if people would say "Good Morning" to each other everyday, not just the days the boss is in town?  Wouldn't it be great if people smiled instead of scowled at each other everyday, not just the days the boss is in town?  Wouldn't it be great if people were on time everyday, not just the days the boss is in town?  Wouldn't it be great if people spent their day doing actual work everyday, not just the days the boss is in town?  Wouldn't it be great if people combed their hair everyday, not just the days the boss is in town?  Wouldn't it be great if people were helpful to others everyday, not just the days the boss is in town?  Wouldn't it be great if people paid attention during a meeting everyday, not just the days the boss is in town?

Why do they call it "common sense" when it's so rare?

Once upon a time I loved going on vacation.  Don't get me wrong, vacation time is a glorious gift from above if you are lucky enough to be able to use it when you need it the most.  Unfortunately there is one gigantic downside to any vacation, returning from it.  If you are one of the lucky ones and have an office filled with self motivated intellectual problem solvers, returning from vacation could be a seamless transition.  Or you could be like me and have an office that's more like an emergency room where the motto is treat the symptom, not the source. Copier jammed?  Just unplug it!  Break your hole puncher?  Take someone else's!  Run out of paper in one printer?  Steal it from another!  Could it be that certain people are afraid their attempts to keep things running smoothly will be lacking in comparison to the lucky vacationer?  Or could it be they are just plain clueless? 

There is great need for a sarcasm font

Did you know you get credit for refilling the copier if you put at least 3 sheets of paper in it?  Did you know if you move an existing piece of office equipment to a new location, it magically becomes brand new and no one will know how to use it?  Did you know if you send an outgoing fax then stare at the fax machine with deep concentration you will get a return fax almost instantly?  Did you know if you leave your dirty coffee cup in the sink long enough little elves will dance their way out of the cupboards and wash it for you?  Did you know as long as you are holding a piece of paper in your hand you can walk around your office for hours before someone realizes you aren't actually working? 

TO BE filed, OR NOT TO BE filed....

A great mystery to me that I'm fear will never be solved in my lifetime is the existence of the "To Be Filed" file.  Who thought of such a file to begin with?  Does this file contain some secret I have yet to uncover that involes time being frozen?  If I'm not mistaken it takes the exact same amount of time to place something in the "To Be Filed" file as it does to place it in the file where is actually belongs.  I have yet to understand the feel of great accomplishment that coincides with having every piece of work waiting to be filed simply placed in the "To Be Filed file.  I suppose having your desk free of stacks of paper is a nice feeling, as they say "Out of sight, out of mind".  However, if you open your drawer and see that one file that is 4 inches thick, (although it's neatly labeled with one of those wonderful inventions I call sticky labels that says "To Be Filed"), well.....I hate to break it to you, but yeah, you still have work to do.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Everyday I come to work I am amazed.  That sounds like it would be a glorious gift right?  To have a day so filled with wonderment and excitement that it literally just flies by? I wish!  I suppose some days can be glorious and I am able to walk out amazed in a positive way.  Usually this means I'm amazed at the fact that the entire day went by and no one cried or screamed at each other.  These are the days I cherish.  They usually happen because everyone clears out and heads into the field early.  I find the less time sales people are in the office at the same time, the less chance there is for screaming, crying, bickering, gossiping, etc, etc.  The other amazing days unfortunately seem to run together in my head a bit.  It's hard to distinguish one from the other when it's generally the exact same thing happening everyday only involving different people.  You would think we all would learn from either our own mistakes, or from watching other people make them.  Yet somehow, whether due to their amazingly short attention spans or increased level of self absorption this is not the case for most sales people.  Everyday I watch the same "issue" take place and the end result is always the same yet people are flabbergasted by the outcome.  They are genuinely shocked and outraged that such a travesty has occurred.  They have NEVER heard of anything like this every happening to anyone ever before, especially themselves.  I was actually thinking of starting a tally sheet for how many times I have heard the phrase "I've never heard of this before!", but I don't think I have enough post its....

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

I've been told I'm just as dysfunctional as sales people, but in a way that is more accepted by society.  I put my pen back in the same place whenever I'm not using it.  My tape dispenser and stapler have to be lined up exactly on either side of my computer monitor.  I can only use black plastic hangers in my closet at home and all of my shirts are hung according to sleeve length, then by color.  I have to press the lock button on my car at least three times before I believe it is actually locked.  I have to physically touch the lock on my front door before going to bed, even I can visibly see the lock is already in the horizontal locked position.  I don't have an "In Box" on my desk at work because I cannot handle a pile up on unfinished paperwork.  I have to wash every dish or utensil in my sink after dinner before I can relax for the evening.  I can't start a sudoku puzzle unless I can finish it in the same sitting.  I set my alarm clock and flip it on and off at least twice before I believe it is actually set. 

Sadly, these are just a few of my idiosyncrasies.  I often wonder how I make it thru each day without lashing out irrationally on someone for something as simple as leaving their dirty coffee mug in the sink.  It takes a whole 45 seconds to wash a coffee mug, yet most in my office are far to busy to do anything but place the mug in the sink.  In all honesty for some sad and disturbing reason I generally don't mind "cleaning up" after 20 sales people on a daily basis.  If I'm the one to wash or put things away that are left out I feel more at ease because I know everything is back in it's appropriate resting place.  I guess having that small amount of satisfaction can really make a huge difference in ones' day.  In my perfect world everyone would have the same idiosyncrasies as me and actually care that there are mugs in the sink or that their chair wasn't properly pushed in when they aren't sitting it but, I work with sales people so I have learned to let go of that dream.  Lesson learned, no matter where you work it is no doubt you will have some level of clashing personalities.  It's how you learn to deal with them that determines your level of sanity each day. 

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

Why is it the last hour of everyday feels the longest?  Why is it when you call a meeting, a third of the office is late to arrive but if you try and send them home early, they sit at their desk and pretend to be busy?  Why is it if you send an email in all caps that says "DO NOT PRINT", everyone automatically prints 5 copies?  Why is it if you put a sign in red letters that says "Insert Paper Face Down", everyone asks "Which way does the paper go?"  Why is it if you put a sign on the vending machine that says "Bill changer out of order" everyone attempts to insert a bill then comes to tell me it's not working?  Why is it when someone jams the copy machine, they sneak away then act apalled that someone would leave such a disaster?  Why is it when you label the only box on your desk "Outgoing Mail" everyone still asks where to put something they want to mail out?  Why is it when you respond to a question with "Give me a few minutes", they will sit and stare at you until those minutes have passed?  Why is it people think they will get a different answer by asking the same question just in a different way? 

TGIF

And so it begins....

I'm not exactly sure why I'm venturing into the world of blogging, aside from being given this fabulous idea from a fellow patient in this nuthouse we call work, I also felt it would be a much needed break for myself on occasion from doing actual work.  In reality, I will most likely end up using it to "pretend" I am hard at work on yet another very important "time sensitive" project.  Just kidding.....or am I? 

I have to admit, I have never even read a blog before, so I am not really sure how these are suppose to unfold.  In these technologically advanced days, it seems as if everyone is posting something, about any and everything on some social network.  Whether or not it is actually of interest to others is neither here nor there, but as the saying goes, If you can't beat'em, join'em!  And, if you have ever had the "luxury" of working in a sales office or around sales people you would know first hand it can be one of the most interestingly comical and most dysfunctional places on earth, and therefore highly entertaining.

At this point, I am barely 3 hours into the day and so far nothing too exciting.  The majority of our Sales Force have been able to drag themselves in for one last day of this week, perhaps because it is payday and some still haven't grasped the concept of direct deposit, or at the very least to show their shinning faces to keep the "up aboves" happy.  To be almost halfway thru the day and still not have anyone who has cried or screamed at each other gives me hope this may turn out to be a halfway decent day.  Knock on wood.  The only dilemma at this juncture appears to be the usual email confusion.  Not a day can go by without at least one glorious email that is sent to 5 or more people where they all try to be the quickest with what they believe to be the most highly intellectual response.  Note to self, speed does not equal accuracy.  If only we could all take those 5 extra seconds to finish reading the entire email we could all be saved from the 42 additional questions and responses now generated.  But whatever would we do with an extra 2 hours of time each day? 

Well, I suppose I shall sign off for today to keep it short and sweet for the time being and attempt to go out on a good note.  I have to say, starting this blog may actually help me look forward to some more highly entertaining office antics so I have something interesting to write about.  I think ultimately putting it all into words will be the most challenging part of this adventure, waiting for more office drama unfold, well that's the easy part.